So I realize that it's odd to examine the implications of casual sex in a blog about self sufficiency and independence, but humor me for a moment here.
I think it's entirely possible for two people of like mind, emotional maturity and in the same or similar places in life to engage in a casual physical expression of friendship with each other with no intentions of ever taking it into a serious committed relationship and succeeding in said venture.
That having been said, do I think that this kind of thing works out the way people think it will most of the time? No, not at all. And I think it's because people who attempt such casual friends with benefits types of relationships with each other don't often know themselves as well as they should before doing so. Often one person becomes more attached than the other or both people find themselves in a relationship with each other after swearing there would be no attachments. Speaking from experience, this is actually how my last relationship started.
So what is the argument for casual sexual relationships when in the midst of a quest for self sufficiency?
First of all I want to establish what I think self sufficiency and independence really mean and what my goal in all of this actually entails.
I'm not seeking to become some kind of hermit who never leaves the house or a doomsday prepper who prefers to live off the grid. That is not my notion of self sufficiency, though those are two legitimate notions that others may have of it. I acknowledge that we are a species of social animals and that having friendships with people is an essential part of being mentally healthy.
My problem with romantic relationships and being in one right now is the tendency to lose myself so completely in them. My quest for self sufficiency is really about three things ultimately: Knowing myself, Loving myself, and being Content with spending time with myself. As long as I can do those things comfortably, I believe that I will retain my independence.
So here's another important question: Why would I put myself in a position to fall back into old patterns and mistakes? I think the simplest answer to this question is that I've always been the kind of person who likes to test myself. I have an honest desire not to do things the way I've always done them and make old mistakes again, but you can't really be sure if you've actually changed or grown as a person unless you put yourself in a situation and see how you will react to it.
The true test at this point is in gauging my ability to be honest with myself. Is all of this just a rationalization in order to do something I want to do which may actually be less productive and more unhealthy? No, I don't think so. Do I honestly feel like I could live without doing this and be just fine? My answer to that would be yes. Can I live with it either way? Yes, I believe I can. Could I do it without feeling guilty or like I had cheated myself or failed in my quest? Yes. Could I just as easily abandon a promising encounter with someone as pursue it without it making me feel overly disappointed? Yes.
Either way I decide to go with it, my primary focus is still on me and my life goals. It will perhaps be something I choose to do in order to enrich my life and entertain myself, but it is not an essential part of what I need to feel good about me or my life.
So this is my first interactive blog post, and I'm opening up the floor for other opinions. What are your experiences with casual sexual relationships between adults? Would you agree or disagree that it's possible to have one and have it be a healthy encounter that doesn't end in a relationship? Is it more possible for men to engage in such casual relationships than women considering how differently we're wired?
Discuss!
It's theoretically possible, but in most cases requires personalities that are even more compatible than what you'd need for a serious relationship. (that could work long-term)
ReplyDeleteIt's sort of like balancing on the razor's edge, and the emotional, psychological, and physical needs of both have to be met, but only with just met within a narrow margin, which usually means that one or both parties would require a great deal of self-discipline so as to not go overboard. If one starts to push harder then the other has to push back to compensate, otherwise the balance is broken.
There is no denying that human beings are creatures hardwired to require a social element, and that physical contact plays a critical role in overall neurological and consequently psychological health, but most of those neurochemical release triggers don't actually require sex, they just require actions that often lead to it. Oxytocin is a prime example of such a neurotransmitter that plays a vital role and triggers dozens of other processes in the brain required for optimum health, and under the right circumstances it doesn't even require physical contact, just good company, though the easiest way is holding someone's hand for a short time.
--(Andy here, Google is retarded sometimes)
Very good points indeed. I especially like the point about two people engaging in such a casual relationship needing to be very compatable. And the way you've described it, it definitely sounds like a challenge, which most people would probably be scared off by, but I have to admit to being all the more attracted to it, hehe.
DeleteAlthough with holding hands, doesn't that seem like the kind of interaction that would encourage more intimate feelings and attachment?
Thank you. I just learned the science of it over the past few months, I have yet to experiment firsthand with the concept since studying up about it. All that is required really is a basic level of trust and an understanding of the concept without resisting it. I've always found a challenge to be far more rewarding than anything that comes easily, and you're less likely to lose yourself if both people set out with that goal in mind.
DeleteTwo people who made a regular habit of meditating would definitely stand a better chance, and two people who could meditate together would have an even stronger advantage, just because their ability to maintain an equilibrium would be higher and their level of self-discipline would be greater.
I think we can definitely agree that the drunken hookup is not the way to go on this venture. It requires a great deal of self awareness and, oddly, self control.
DeleteDefinitely, and a touch of trial and error is required to find that balance. The best physical and mental health you can achieve always seems to require self control, doubly so when two people aid each other in both respects, even outside of a romantic context.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to have a casual sexual relationship where both parties are content with the status quo and mutually fulfilled? Sorry, I don't buy it! It's a bit like communism, it looks great on paper, but ends up not working worth a damn in the real world.
ReplyDeleteFirst, take a look at your own qualifications. "Like mind, emotional maturity and in the same or similar places in life." Okay, the "like mind" and "same or similar places in life" ones are easy. Emotional maturity, not so much in any relationship, let alone a 'casual' one, but I'll let that thin thread sustain my disbelief a little bit longer.
Relationships, casual or not, change us, yes? I can only speak for myself, but I can't name even one sexual relationship I've experienced which didn't change me in some respect. Can you? If we agree that change is inevitable, how likely is it that two people will change in a like manner? In order for a relationship to support two changing partners, it will take… Wait for it… Work, and lots of it! This is the unromantic and ugly truth which has made divorce such a thriving industry everywhere. Please understand, I'm not condemning casual sexual encounters, so long as both people are willing and honest with one another--a rare enough scenario at the best of times--it's the sustainability of that "casualness" that I find extremely unlikely.
"Is all of this just a rationalization in order to do something I want to do which may actually be less productive and more unhealthy?"
I think that's a very self-aware question. True self-discovery takes time, and is generally helped along by life events we later classify as learning experiences. Could a casual sexual relationship provide you with grist that you could later use in your quest for self-discovery? Undoubtedly, but would it be "good" for you?
I would counsel extreme caution!
Dan