The Codependent's Golden Rule

You've probably heard of the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or for a less biblical translation, treat others as you would like to be treated. During the course of my personal journaling of my struggles and triumphs with codependency, I've come to find a slightly tweaked version of a rule to live by, the codependent's golden rule.

Treat yourself as you feel others should be treated.

It certainly wouldn't work for everyone, but I've realized, like many who struggle with codependence, that I don't treat myself very well. In fact, I treat others far better than I treat myself. I treat others, for the most part, with respect, consideration, and kindness. I offer encouragements and condolences when they are needed. I give allowances for bad behavior under extenuating circumstances, and I attempt to help people become the best versions of themselves.

But how do I generally treat myself?

I tear down my own ego from the inside, and I don't let myself enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. I constantly worry I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough. I punish myself, preemptively, for things I haven't actually done wrong.

My head is, basically, like Minority Report. I am the precog who is deciding my own actions before they happen and punishing myself before I've gotten a chance to actually make a mistake or fail, which, over the years, has ultimately led to me being afraid to try, or even think about trying things that are challenging.

Which leads to the times when I don't treat others very well. Friends and lovers have born the brunt of my insecurities and fears. I've torn myself down so much that I feel paranoid that others are thinking the same things about me, but possibly worse.

I anticipate that others are judging me and finding me wanting, so I tell myself I don't care what other people think, all the while obsessing over what other people think. I distance myself from my friends and family, or worse lash out at them and place my own insecurities about myself onto them.

In some deep part of my brain, I don't actually believe that I deserve to be celebrated for my achievements, or even to be happy.

I smile and pretend to be better put together than I am, presenting the self that I wish I was to the world, all the while, inside, I am a disturbed and deeply unhappy person.

But, today, I acknowledge that while I cannot control what other people think, do, or say, I can have control over myself. More importantly, I can let myself be happy.

A wise person once said to me, “The pain stops when you want it to.”

Well, I'm finally ready.

Gender Fluid Visibility

Visibility is a word that is generally more often tossed around in reference to bisexual people. When a bisexual person is in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, they can pass as heterosexual, but the problem with bi folks passing as hetero is that others perceive there are less bi people out there than there actually are, or none at all. It gives people reason to doubt that bisexuality is real, or think that perhaps it's “just a phase”. But if, for example, Jane dates girls in college and is married to a man later on, she can still be a bisexual woman married to a man. The same thing happens with gender fluidity. In my case, I was born with a female body, and I generally wear either feminine clothing or something more unisex, like jeans and t-shirts. People assume that I am female because most of the time it would be an easy assumption to make. At other times, I wear more obviously masculine clothing like button up shirts with bow ties, suspenders, etc. Still, the assumption is most likely that I'm a tomboy or a lesbian. As with bisexual folks, the only way anyone really knows how I identify is when I actually speak up about it.

So maybe you're asking, what's the problem? Do people really need to know how I identify or what gender fluidity is? How does that really affect anyone else? It's an interesting question and a complicated one to answer. Gender is, whether we like it or not, a very important and pervasive part of our lives everyday. Those who don't have to think about it are generally those who were born into the gender that they identify as. When you are what is considered normative, there is nothing to trip over, nothing to muddle through, and no reason for others to be tripped up by you. But when you are non-binary, even if you aren't dressed in a way that would provoke others to question you, there are constant reminders that most everyone else around you fits, for the most part, into these boxes of either male or female.

For example, I have to choose every time I go into an establishment with a restroom which one I will use. Generally I use the women's restroom because it's just easier to deal with and safer, but I'm reminded every time that there is a separation of genders in this area of life, and that concept of separation is foreign to my understanding of myself. Every time I see a unisex bathroom, I breathe a sigh of relief. There is no artificial choice to be made between facilities that are basically the same and are certainly there for the same purpose. When I shop for clothes, I have to decide if I'm up for facing the strange looks I'll receive when trying on clothes from the boys section. And never mind purchasing selections from both! Most of the time, though, it isn't so much about strange looks or questions people might have for me, as I'm happy answering them when people are pleasant, but it's just that division between the sections, and the awareness, always, that I can't walk into a clothing store with a gender fluid section. That which makes me special and rare also isolates me.

If you know exactly what I'm talking about and can relate to it more than you'd like, here's my suggestion. Talk to people about who you are. Become visible. I'll probably have to explain who I am and how that works to people for the rest of my life, but I'm fine with that if it helps people understand how much wonderful diversity there really is in the world. If it helps people coming after me to be more accepted, more understood, and more treasured for exactly who they are and not what people may assume, then I am willing to put myself out there.

What is Gender Fluid?

For those of you who are reading my blog and are not quite familiar with what gender fluid means, here's a short crash course:

Instead of two exact points, male and female, think of gender as more of a scale between those two points. Some people fit the extreme, exactly or almost exactly on either of those points. Some may fall more in the middle, and we'll call that point androgyny. Many others fall somewhere else on the scale. Gender fluid people are all over the scale, and where we are can change from day to day or even minute to minute. We may express this through clothing choices, mannerisms, voice, attitude, and even emotionally. Some days we may find we are getting along better with women (or female identified people) than men (or male identified people), vice versa, and some days we get along well with everyone and can easily skip between and translate for both extremes. We may employ any number of special pieces of clothing such as chest binders, packers, hip padding, wigs, silicone breast pads, etc. in order to present as the gender or exact combination of them that we feel we are that day. Because we vary so widely, it's hard to make too many general statements to really describe the actual experience of being gender fluid, but I will be going into my individual experience of it in this blog, and I welcome other gender fluid, gender queer and otherwise non binary folks to weigh in and comment with their own experiences.

A Rainbow Sheep: Blog Reboot!

This is the blog formerly known as “Soloing a Healer,” which will henceforth be known as "A Rainbow Sheep."

In this new blog, I'll be exploring and becoming more vocal and open about my gender identity, which is gender fluid. Those of us who are non binary, or not identifying as strictly male or female, technically fall under the transgender umbrella, and we tend to be quite baffling to those who identify with the binary understanding of gender. It can often be an hours long intellectual exercise to even begin describing how we see ourselves, how we function emotionally, and how we relate to the rest of the world. It's my hope to offer support and a familiar voice to those who are on my journey or similar ones to understand themselves and attempt to explain it to others. We are gender fluid, gender queer, and even agendered, those who don't identify with any part of gender, but instead something more abstract. There are many other words to describe it, but from now on, if I am referring to all of us as a group, I will just say non binary folks.

The second reason I decided to start writing this blog again is my realization that I am codependent. It can be crippling and affects every decision in my life, including what I do with my own body and how I express myself because I so thoroughly take into account what other people think or what I perceive that they think. I'm still coming to understand it all, and the process of overcoming very ingrained behaviors and fears, I've realized, has become much more manageable when I journal about it. In case you're not at all familiar with it, a list of common symptoms among codependents includes, low self esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, control, dysfunctional communication, obsessions, dependency, denial, problems with intimacy, and painful emotions. You can be in a codependent relationship that is a one time thing, or you can be a codependent in other areas of your life full-time. I've experienced both. Not all of my relationships have been codependent ones, but I believe I have been codependent for nearly my entire life.

So how have things changed since I initially started this blog? Well, when I first began to write here, it was in large part for the same reason I am writing here once again, to express myself and explore my inner thoughts, feelings and discoveries of who I am and what I want from life. The main difference now is that I'm not in denial about how much my self image, self esteem and self worth are tied to what other people think, or what I perceive that others think. The idea of Soloing a Healer was to document finally becoming an independent person, but I was far from ready to accomplish that goal at that point in my life. This time I want to acknowledge exactly who I am right now, today, flaws and all, and document my work towards the person I wish to become, rather than forcing a label or an ideal on myself that hasn't come into fruition just yet.