The Codependent's Golden Rule

You've probably heard of the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or for a less biblical translation, treat others as you would like to be treated. During the course of my personal journaling of my struggles and triumphs with codependency, I've come to find a slightly tweaked version of a rule to live by, the codependent's golden rule.

Treat yourself as you feel others should be treated.

It certainly wouldn't work for everyone, but I've realized, like many who struggle with codependence, that I don't treat myself very well. In fact, I treat others far better than I treat myself. I treat others, for the most part, with respect, consideration, and kindness. I offer encouragements and condolences when they are needed. I give allowances for bad behavior under extenuating circumstances, and I attempt to help people become the best versions of themselves.

But how do I generally treat myself?

I tear down my own ego from the inside, and I don't let myself enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. I constantly worry I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough. I punish myself, preemptively, for things I haven't actually done wrong.

My head is, basically, like Minority Report. I am the precog who is deciding my own actions before they happen and punishing myself before I've gotten a chance to actually make a mistake or fail, which, over the years, has ultimately led to me being afraid to try, or even think about trying things that are challenging.

Which leads to the times when I don't treat others very well. Friends and lovers have born the brunt of my insecurities and fears. I've torn myself down so much that I feel paranoid that others are thinking the same things about me, but possibly worse.

I anticipate that others are judging me and finding me wanting, so I tell myself I don't care what other people think, all the while obsessing over what other people think. I distance myself from my friends and family, or worse lash out at them and place my own insecurities about myself onto them.

In some deep part of my brain, I don't actually believe that I deserve to be celebrated for my achievements, or even to be happy.

I smile and pretend to be better put together than I am, presenting the self that I wish I was to the world, all the while, inside, I am a disturbed and deeply unhappy person.

But, today, I acknowledge that while I cannot control what other people think, do, or say, I can have control over myself. More importantly, I can let myself be happy.

A wise person once said to me, “The pain stops when you want it to.”

Well, I'm finally ready.

Gender Fluid Visibility

Visibility is a word that is generally more often tossed around in reference to bisexual people. When a bisexual person is in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, they can pass as heterosexual, but the problem with bi folks passing as hetero is that others perceive there are less bi people out there than there actually are, or none at all. It gives people reason to doubt that bisexuality is real, or think that perhaps it's “just a phase”. But if, for example, Jane dates girls in college and is married to a man later on, she can still be a bisexual woman married to a man. The same thing happens with gender fluidity. In my case, I was born with a female body, and I generally wear either feminine clothing or something more unisex, like jeans and t-shirts. People assume that I am female because most of the time it would be an easy assumption to make. At other times, I wear more obviously masculine clothing like button up shirts with bow ties, suspenders, etc. Still, the assumption is most likely that I'm a tomboy or a lesbian. As with bisexual folks, the only way anyone really knows how I identify is when I actually speak up about it.

So maybe you're asking, what's the problem? Do people really need to know how I identify or what gender fluidity is? How does that really affect anyone else? It's an interesting question and a complicated one to answer. Gender is, whether we like it or not, a very important and pervasive part of our lives everyday. Those who don't have to think about it are generally those who were born into the gender that they identify as. When you are what is considered normative, there is nothing to trip over, nothing to muddle through, and no reason for others to be tripped up by you. But when you are non-binary, even if you aren't dressed in a way that would provoke others to question you, there are constant reminders that most everyone else around you fits, for the most part, into these boxes of either male or female.

For example, I have to choose every time I go into an establishment with a restroom which one I will use. Generally I use the women's restroom because it's just easier to deal with and safer, but I'm reminded every time that there is a separation of genders in this area of life, and that concept of separation is foreign to my understanding of myself. Every time I see a unisex bathroom, I breathe a sigh of relief. There is no artificial choice to be made between facilities that are basically the same and are certainly there for the same purpose. When I shop for clothes, I have to decide if I'm up for facing the strange looks I'll receive when trying on clothes from the boys section. And never mind purchasing selections from both! Most of the time, though, it isn't so much about strange looks or questions people might have for me, as I'm happy answering them when people are pleasant, but it's just that division between the sections, and the awareness, always, that I can't walk into a clothing store with a gender fluid section. That which makes me special and rare also isolates me.

If you know exactly what I'm talking about and can relate to it more than you'd like, here's my suggestion. Talk to people about who you are. Become visible. I'll probably have to explain who I am and how that works to people for the rest of my life, but I'm fine with that if it helps people understand how much wonderful diversity there really is in the world. If it helps people coming after me to be more accepted, more understood, and more treasured for exactly who they are and not what people may assume, then I am willing to put myself out there.

What is Gender Fluid?

For those of you who are reading my blog and are not quite familiar with what gender fluid means, here's a short crash course:

Instead of two exact points, male and female, think of gender as more of a scale between those two points. Some people fit the extreme, exactly or almost exactly on either of those points. Some may fall more in the middle, and we'll call that point androgyny. Many others fall somewhere else on the scale. Gender fluid people are all over the scale, and where we are can change from day to day or even minute to minute. We may express this through clothing choices, mannerisms, voice, attitude, and even emotionally. Some days we may find we are getting along better with women (or female identified people) than men (or male identified people), vice versa, and some days we get along well with everyone and can easily skip between and translate for both extremes. We may employ any number of special pieces of clothing such as chest binders, packers, hip padding, wigs, silicone breast pads, etc. in order to present as the gender or exact combination of them that we feel we are that day. Because we vary so widely, it's hard to make too many general statements to really describe the actual experience of being gender fluid, but I will be going into my individual experience of it in this blog, and I welcome other gender fluid, gender queer and otherwise non binary folks to weigh in and comment with their own experiences.

A Rainbow Sheep: Blog Reboot!

This is the blog formerly known as “Soloing a Healer,” which will henceforth be known as "A Rainbow Sheep."

In this new blog, I'll be exploring and becoming more vocal and open about my gender identity, which is gender fluid. Those of us who are non binary, or not identifying as strictly male or female, technically fall under the transgender umbrella, and we tend to be quite baffling to those who identify with the binary understanding of gender. It can often be an hours long intellectual exercise to even begin describing how we see ourselves, how we function emotionally, and how we relate to the rest of the world. It's my hope to offer support and a familiar voice to those who are on my journey or similar ones to understand themselves and attempt to explain it to others. We are gender fluid, gender queer, and even agendered, those who don't identify with any part of gender, but instead something more abstract. There are many other words to describe it, but from now on, if I am referring to all of us as a group, I will just say non binary folks.

The second reason I decided to start writing this blog again is my realization that I am codependent. It can be crippling and affects every decision in my life, including what I do with my own body and how I express myself because I so thoroughly take into account what other people think or what I perceive that they think. I'm still coming to understand it all, and the process of overcoming very ingrained behaviors and fears, I've realized, has become much more manageable when I journal about it. In case you're not at all familiar with it, a list of common symptoms among codependents includes, low self esteem, people pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, control, dysfunctional communication, obsessions, dependency, denial, problems with intimacy, and painful emotions. You can be in a codependent relationship that is a one time thing, or you can be a codependent in other areas of your life full-time. I've experienced both. Not all of my relationships have been codependent ones, but I believe I have been codependent for nearly my entire life.

So how have things changed since I initially started this blog? Well, when I first began to write here, it was in large part for the same reason I am writing here once again, to express myself and explore my inner thoughts, feelings and discoveries of who I am and what I want from life. The main difference now is that I'm not in denial about how much my self image, self esteem and self worth are tied to what other people think, or what I perceive that others think. The idea of Soloing a Healer was to document finally becoming an independent person, but I was far from ready to accomplish that goal at that point in my life. This time I want to acknowledge exactly who I am right now, today, flaws and all, and document my work towards the person I wish to become, rather than forcing a label or an ideal on myself that hasn't come into fruition just yet.

The Labyrinth

This is the last blog entry under the blog title "Soloing a Healer."

Once upon a time, 

as old stories go,

there lived a young prince,

on a mountain of Hope.

He ventured, one day,

to the valley of despair,

and found quite quickly,

nothing useful there.

On his way back home,

he spied a distant castle,

and being quite curious,

he asked a passing vassal,

"Good Sir, can you tell me please,

what lies in that place?"

The vassal replied, "It's a sleeping princess,

with a most handsome face."

"But if it is that face you wish to see,

first you must pass through a gauntlet of trials,

a true test of mind, will, and purity,

to reach those feminine wiles."

The Prince thought, "Why not?

For I have only this lonely mountain,

on which to climb back to."

And so his journey began,

Down the roads of man,

And through the forests of beasts.

He dreamed of this face,

which he'd never seen,

and he dreamed of this place,

to which he'd never been.

And then at last he reached,

a high garden wall,

on top of which rested,

the most intelligent creature of all.

"Dear Sphinx," he addressed her,

"What would you ask me?"

She regarded him with a slow smile,

"What would you have me ask thee?"

The Prince looked confused.

"A riddle, if you will, I suppose?"

She replied, "Is that what you truly wish?

For you are the only one who knows."

He said, "What I wish,

is to pass through that door,"

And she said, "Ah,

but I think you wish more."

"I seek the princess inside this castle,

for I was told of her beautiful face."

She inquired, "And you think that,

The true reason you've come to this place?"

The Prince thought for a long moment,

before he replied, "I am very alone,

and so I seek a soulmate,

with which to share my throne."

The Sphinx smiled, "And so you may pass,

for though they be great and small,

gleaning the true desire of man,

is the greatest riddle of all."

She bestowed upon him a golden key,

on which was inscribed this phrase,

"To you the gift of Phoenix fire,

to help you through this maze."

As he turned the key,

and passed through the door,

he looked down and saw,

a rainbow feather flutter to the floor.

Moving deeper into the maze,

he came upon a Minotaur.

The beast, it seemed, was asleep. . .

As he tread carefully,

trying to pass by,

the Minotaur awoke,

"Ah, you think you are sly!

No one gets past me boy,

Prepare to die!"

The Prince quickly ducked,

the Minotaur's blow,

and then the beast roared,

his rage it did grow,

this flurry of fury,

as the Prince dodged to and fro.

The great beast was strong,

and the young Prince was fast,

but it was clear to the Prince,

that this fight could not last.

At first he considered,

using the golden key,

but another kind of plan,

he did eventually see.

He ventured very close,

atop his foe's foot he stood,

and as the Minotaur swung,

his prey scrambled away,

and lived to fight another day,

as the beast went down for good.

Suddenly before him appeared,

a large fox with nine tails.

It laughed, "That was most excellent!

It is not often a challenger regales,

me with such an amusing event!"

"You outsmarted the brute,

with a devious plot,

you were wily and cunning,

unlike the rest of this lot."

He smirked as he nodded,

to a pile of shiny bones,

fashioned by the beast,

into grisly throne.

The Prince bowed to the fox,

a noble genuflect,

for he recognized the creature,

an Ancient worth of respect.

"Thank you wise Kitsune,

for your kind words of praise.

You are a true inspiration,

a bright spot in this dark maze."

He grinned. "So, you see me,

in my true nature,

you are even familiar,

with my old nomenclature."

The Kitsune regarded him then,

with serious contemplation,

"Perhaps this is fated,

and you are the true champion,

on which she has waited."

"And so,

I shall bestow,

upon you, true heart,

one of my nine tails,

a lifetime of knowledge,

as you depart."

So the Prince traveled on,

and as he came to a clearing,

he marveled as he watched,

a green meadow appearing.

There was, beside the meadow, a small pond.

He approached the clear waters,

and leaning over quite low,

he gazed into his reflection, then beyond. . .

Slow ripples formed around his face.

A pearlescent, twisting horn pierced the blue,

and as he backed away in awe,

an ivory mare broke through.

Moving with much care,

he sat down on the bank,

and watched as the Einhorn,

turned to the water and drank.

He breathed very slowly,

averting his eyes,

the creature ignored him,

but she sat down beside.

Finally after many moments had passed,

he gathered the courage to reach out at last.

She whinnied and bucked, but with a calm hand,

he gazed in her eyes, beginning to stand.

He thought she would run,

believing her scared,

but she returned his gaze,

and her soul she bared.

His eyes then grew wide,

at the sight of what lay,

beyond the blue surface,

of what words could convey.

"Your heart, it is pure,

and your intentions are true,

proceed to the castle,

the Princess awaits you."

He looked at the castle,

shining in the distance,

but the Einhorn detected,

in him some resistance.

"What is this hesitance,

in claiming your prize?

Isn't she what you came for?"

She asked in surprise.

He shook his head, smiling,

as he gazed at her again,

"You are my true soulmate,

it is your arms I wish to be in."

The Einhorn's eyes gleamed,

with two diamond tears,

her Prince standing before her,

for whom she'd waited all these years.

His eyes filled with wonder,

as she changed from mare to maiden.

Her back sprouted a pair of wings,

rainbow feather laden.

A fox tail twitched behind her,

his perfect mirror image.

Lovely hoarfrost hair framed,

a splendid female visage.

"It is true!" He exclaimed.

"The Princess is quite striking!

Yes I think this handsome face,

very much to my liking."

She smiled as he tipped her chin,

gently with his fingers,

and laid a chaste kiss upon her lips,

the kind that softly lingers. 

So to his mountain of Hope,

he took her back home,

and they never again knew,

the pain of being alone.

Together they grew old,

sharing joy and laughter,

for it was, as these old tales are told,

that they lived happily ever after.

The "It" List

So the "It" list is basically an ever evolving log of qualities and factors you want from an eventual relationship.

I've made several of these throughout the years, and I think in a lot of ways, putting into words what it is exactly that you want from a relationship when you find one is very useful

On a practical level, chronicling the process of self discovery in love and romance helps you discover what is important to you. Through trial and error and finding out what you don't want from a relationship, you figure out exactly what it is that you do want.

On a cosmic level, when you realize and decide what you want, you send out vibes that bring those things to you. Some call it prayer, others "The Secret" or law of attraction, but we can engage in this without consciously intending to because it is a natural part of who we are as people. The conscious action of it, however, is much more powerful than the unconscious.

I recently found my most up to date version of my list and decided to share it in hopes that it might be a good example to follow for those of you out there who have not yet found the partner who suits you. Mine exists in two parts, Things I Want From a Relationship, which are concepts with dictionary definitions (I found the definitions helped me to focus on exactly what the word meant by giving it a concrete meaning) and Things I Want the Person I am Dating to Do. 

Things I Want From a Relationship:

Adventure: An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous experience or activity; an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks

Eroticism: Sexual desire or excitement


Excitement: A feeling of great enthusiasm and eagerness

Honesty: Truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness; freedom from deceit or fraud

Love: A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Respect: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements; Willingness to show consideration or appreciation

Passion: Boundless enthusiasm; Showing or expressing strong emotion

Romance: A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love; A strong attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.

Security: The state of being free from danger or threat.

Stability: Constancy of character or purpose; steadfastness; reliability; dependability

Support: To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen; To aid the cause, policy, or interests of; to give aid or courage to


I Want the Person I Am Dating To:
Be proud to be with me
Appreciate the things that I do, both big and small
Be honest with me always
Want me
Love and accept me for who I am
Enhance my life
Expose me to new things
Feel free to express themselves 

Consider my feelings

Share mutual interests but also have differing ones of his own 

Be able to talk about small issues before they become big issues

I have gotten all of these things and more, so it does work, you just have to be open to the process and willing to work towards your desires.

Twin Flames: The Ultimate Discovery of Self

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same" - Emily Bronte

"The supreme state of human love is. . . the unity of one soul in two bodies." - Sri Aurobindo

"Whatever the days may bring that love for you is, to me, a guiding light, and even in the darkest of times, it will never fade from my sight." - Andy Culpepper

"In time none will be able to stand in the presence of our light and remain skeptical to what lies beyond the edge of what we see with physical eyes and touch with physical hands." - Heather Kenniz

Forget what you think you know and remember what you truly know to be real. We are all luminous beings in a state of sleep, caterpillars in cocoons waiting for the right moment to burst forth with wings of all colors, shapes and sizes. See with the new eyes of a child who has not forgotten the truth. Bring yourself back to that moment in time when you believed all dreams were reality, and you will be free.

"Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three." - Gene Wilder