The Labyrinth

This is the last blog entry under the blog title "Soloing a Healer."

Once upon a time, 

as old stories go,

there lived a young prince,

on a mountain of Hope.

He ventured, one day,

to the valley of despair,

and found quite quickly,

nothing useful there.

On his way back home,

he spied a distant castle,

and being quite curious,

he asked a passing vassal,

"Good Sir, can you tell me please,

what lies in that place?"

The vassal replied, "It's a sleeping princess,

with a most handsome face."

"But if it is that face you wish to see,

first you must pass through a gauntlet of trials,

a true test of mind, will, and purity,

to reach those feminine wiles."

The Prince thought, "Why not?

For I have only this lonely mountain,

on which to climb back to."

And so his journey began,

Down the roads of man,

And through the forests of beasts.

He dreamed of this face,

which he'd never seen,

and he dreamed of this place,

to which he'd never been.

And then at last he reached,

a high garden wall,

on top of which rested,

the most intelligent creature of all.

"Dear Sphinx," he addressed her,

"What would you ask me?"

She regarded him with a slow smile,

"What would you have me ask thee?"

The Prince looked confused.

"A riddle, if you will, I suppose?"

She replied, "Is that what you truly wish?

For you are the only one who knows."

He said, "What I wish,

is to pass through that door,"

And she said, "Ah,

but I think you wish more."

"I seek the princess inside this castle,

for I was told of her beautiful face."

She inquired, "And you think that,

The true reason you've come to this place?"

The Prince thought for a long moment,

before he replied, "I am very alone,

and so I seek a soulmate,

with which to share my throne."

The Sphinx smiled, "And so you may pass,

for though they be great and small,

gleaning the true desire of man,

is the greatest riddle of all."

She bestowed upon him a golden key,

on which was inscribed this phrase,

"To you the gift of Phoenix fire,

to help you through this maze."

As he turned the key,

and passed through the door,

he looked down and saw,

a rainbow feather flutter to the floor.

Moving deeper into the maze,

he came upon a Minotaur.

The beast, it seemed, was asleep. . .

As he tread carefully,

trying to pass by,

the Minotaur awoke,

"Ah, you think you are sly!

No one gets past me boy,

Prepare to die!"

The Prince quickly ducked,

the Minotaur's blow,

and then the beast roared,

his rage it did grow,

this flurry of fury,

as the Prince dodged to and fro.

The great beast was strong,

and the young Prince was fast,

but it was clear to the Prince,

that this fight could not last.

At first he considered,

using the golden key,

but another kind of plan,

he did eventually see.

He ventured very close,

atop his foe's foot he stood,

and as the Minotaur swung,

his prey scrambled away,

and lived to fight another day,

as the beast went down for good.

Suddenly before him appeared,

a large fox with nine tails.

It laughed, "That was most excellent!

It is not often a challenger regales,

me with such an amusing event!"

"You outsmarted the brute,

with a devious plot,

you were wily and cunning,

unlike the rest of this lot."

He smirked as he nodded,

to a pile of shiny bones,

fashioned by the beast,

into grisly throne.

The Prince bowed to the fox,

a noble genuflect,

for he recognized the creature,

an Ancient worth of respect.

"Thank you wise Kitsune,

for your kind words of praise.

You are a true inspiration,

a bright spot in this dark maze."

He grinned. "So, you see me,

in my true nature,

you are even familiar,

with my old nomenclature."

The Kitsune regarded him then,

with serious contemplation,

"Perhaps this is fated,

and you are the true champion,

on which she has waited."

"And so,

I shall bestow,

upon you, true heart,

one of my nine tails,

a lifetime of knowledge,

as you depart."

So the Prince traveled on,

and as he came to a clearing,

he marveled as he watched,

a green meadow appearing.

There was, beside the meadow, a small pond.

He approached the clear waters,

and leaning over quite low,

he gazed into his reflection, then beyond. . .

Slow ripples formed around his face.

A pearlescent, twisting horn pierced the blue,

and as he backed away in awe,

an ivory mare broke through.

Moving with much care,

he sat down on the bank,

and watched as the Einhorn,

turned to the water and drank.

He breathed very slowly,

averting his eyes,

the creature ignored him,

but she sat down beside.

Finally after many moments had passed,

he gathered the courage to reach out at last.

She whinnied and bucked, but with a calm hand,

he gazed in her eyes, beginning to stand.

He thought she would run,

believing her scared,

but she returned his gaze,

and her soul she bared.

His eyes then grew wide,

at the sight of what lay,

beyond the blue surface,

of what words could convey.

"Your heart, it is pure,

and your intentions are true,

proceed to the castle,

the Princess awaits you."

He looked at the castle,

shining in the distance,

but the Einhorn detected,

in him some resistance.

"What is this hesitance,

in claiming your prize?

Isn't she what you came for?"

She asked in surprise.

He shook his head, smiling,

as he gazed at her again,

"You are my true soulmate,

it is your arms I wish to be in."

The Einhorn's eyes gleamed,

with two diamond tears,

her Prince standing before her,

for whom she'd waited all these years.

His eyes filled with wonder,

as she changed from mare to maiden.

Her back sprouted a pair of wings,

rainbow feather laden.

A fox tail twitched behind her,

his perfect mirror image.

Lovely hoarfrost hair framed,

a splendid female visage.

"It is true!" He exclaimed.

"The Princess is quite striking!

Yes I think this handsome face,

very much to my liking."

She smiled as he tipped her chin,

gently with his fingers,

and laid a chaste kiss upon her lips,

the kind that softly lingers. 

So to his mountain of Hope,

he took her back home,

and they never again knew,

the pain of being alone.

Together they grew old,

sharing joy and laughter,

for it was, as these old tales are told,

that they lived happily ever after.

The "It" List

So the "It" list is basically an ever evolving log of qualities and factors you want from an eventual relationship.

I've made several of these throughout the years, and I think in a lot of ways, putting into words what it is exactly that you want from a relationship when you find one is very useful

On a practical level, chronicling the process of self discovery in love and romance helps you discover what is important to you. Through trial and error and finding out what you don't want from a relationship, you figure out exactly what it is that you do want.

On a cosmic level, when you realize and decide what you want, you send out vibes that bring those things to you. Some call it prayer, others "The Secret" or law of attraction, but we can engage in this without consciously intending to because it is a natural part of who we are as people. The conscious action of it, however, is much more powerful than the unconscious.

I recently found my most up to date version of my list and decided to share it in hopes that it might be a good example to follow for those of you out there who have not yet found the partner who suits you. Mine exists in two parts, Things I Want From a Relationship, which are concepts with dictionary definitions (I found the definitions helped me to focus on exactly what the word meant by giving it a concrete meaning) and Things I Want the Person I am Dating to Do. 

Things I Want From a Relationship:

Adventure: An unusual and exciting, typically hazardous experience or activity; an undertaking usually involving danger and unknown risks

Eroticism: Sexual desire or excitement


Excitement: A feeling of great enthusiasm and eagerness

Honesty: Truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness; freedom from deceit or fraud

Love: A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

Respect: A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements; Willingness to show consideration or appreciation

Passion: Boundless enthusiasm; Showing or expressing strong emotion

Romance: A feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love; A strong attachment, fascination, or enthusiasm for something.

Security: The state of being free from danger or threat.

Stability: Constancy of character or purpose; steadfastness; reliability; dependability

Support: To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen; To aid the cause, policy, or interests of; to give aid or courage to


I Want the Person I Am Dating To:
Be proud to be with me
Appreciate the things that I do, both big and small
Be honest with me always
Want me
Love and accept me for who I am
Enhance my life
Expose me to new things
Feel free to express themselves 

Consider my feelings

Share mutual interests but also have differing ones of his own 

Be able to talk about small issues before they become big issues

I have gotten all of these things and more, so it does work, you just have to be open to the process and willing to work towards your desires.

Twin Flames: The Ultimate Discovery of Self

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same" - Emily Bronte

"The supreme state of human love is. . . the unity of one soul in two bodies." - Sri Aurobindo

"Whatever the days may bring that love for you is, to me, a guiding light, and even in the darkest of times, it will never fade from my sight." - Andy Culpepper

"In time none will be able to stand in the presence of our light and remain skeptical to what lies beyond the edge of what we see with physical eyes and touch with physical hands." - Heather Kenniz

Forget what you think you know and remember what you truly know to be real. We are all luminous beings in a state of sleep, caterpillars in cocoons waiting for the right moment to burst forth with wings of all colors, shapes and sizes. See with the new eyes of a child who has not forgotten the truth. Bring yourself back to that moment in time when you believed all dreams were reality, and you will be free.

"Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three." - Gene Wilder

Truth is the Irresistible Force

They stood face to face, two foes staring each other down with absolute determination.

One of them was the irresistible force and the other the immovable object.

The immovable object beckoned her with a single taunting finger, first pointing at her, naming her his adversary, then with challenge flashing in his cold eyes, crooking it towards himself slowly.

Game on.

She charged him, fire in her eyes, and he deflected her easily with one hand, sending her flying backwards to the ground.

Even truth falters at times when faced with such solidly rooted lies, especially when wielded in an unfocused manner.

She picked herself up off the ground, shaking her head, realization dawning on her. Gathering all her strength around her, calling her true power to her, she rose to her feet.

He smiled coldly, daring her to try again.

She smiled back, ruthless determination flooding her eyes.

With one last call to the sky, she rushed him, barreling through to the other side of lies, bursting the immovable object and shattering him into a million pieces before the witness of sun and stars and all of humanity.

And truth rained down on all of us like mana.

The Lesson of the Little Fox

"Please - tame me!" he said.

"I want to very much," the little Prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox.

This is a scene from my favorite children's book of all time, The Little Prince (or Le Petit Prince in its original French) written by Antoine de Saint-Exupery.

The story of the Prince and the little fox is the story of love. It is at once both a cautionary tale and a celebration of what it means to truly connect with and understand someone in such a deep way that you are changed forever for having known them. 

The Prince, in his travels, stumbles upon a little fox, and the fox beckons the prince to tame him, but the Prince does not understand what "tame" means.

"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. "It means to establish ties."

When the Prince questions further, the little fox goes on to explain:

"To me, you are still nothing more than than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other little foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world. . . if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat. . ."

So the Prince tames the fox under his direction, spending the time to make the little wild fox used to him, waiting to see him before he comes at the same time everyday. But eventually, as the Prince is a traveler, he must leave in search of new friends and adventures, and upon telling the fox of his departure, he becomes very sad.

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little Prince, "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you. . . "

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little Prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then is has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields."

He then offers him a secret upon their last meeting:

". . . It is only with the heart that one can see rightly: what is essential is invisible to the eye. . . Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."

In understanding all of this, we must remember to be careful with each other, to cherish, to leave those we've loved better than we found them because, in a way, we are responsible for them forever. 

Keeping an Open Heart

"The moment I let go of it was the moment I got more than I could handle. The moment I jumped off of it was the moment I touched down. . ."

There's a lot of complicated interwoven thoughts on my mind today, but I think it all revolves around the idea of keeping an open heart. As soon as you do that, all the possibilities of the universe open up to you.

When you heart is open, not only can you really love yourself, but you can see the truth. Everything begins to make more sense, and the tangled web of connection that exists in the universe becomes something that you can follow.

However, when you close yourself off and self sabotage, you tend to miss what is right in front of your face. It's not always better to keep yourself away from the possibilities of life. Sometimes it seems safer, and sometimes it even seems healthier, but it's just hiding in the end.

I have to give some credit to a friend of mine now who tried to express this to me in his own way, but I didn't really understand it at the time. I won't say that I was wrong, but you had a valid point too, and we were just in different places on this particular subject. Sometimes hiding is the best you can do, and I suppose sometimes it feels necessary, but it does limit your ability to really embrace your life.

There's a quote from the song Ever Ever After by Carrie Underwood that I'll leave this blog on

"Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve. 

Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe. 

Unafraid, unashamed, 

There is joy to be claimed in this world."

Loving With an Open Palm Rather than a Tight Fist

The lesson of the butterfly in your palm is an extremely important one, I think, in terms of how you choose to love others. 

While you may want it to stay, you have to understand that it is always a free creature. It may fly away, but if you've appreciated it for what it is, you'll have the experience of having known it. Trying to wrap your fist around it will only crush it, and then you'll have nothing to keep.

Loving people is this way too. We're all free creatures, and it's important to realize that all the things you love about someone initially are probably things that could be harmed if you tried to own that person and keep them all to yourself. Pinning your butterfly to the wall is not a good way to love, either.

It's also an issue of feeling safe with someone. When you land on someone's palm, you have to trust that they won't crush you in order to truly be able to love them yourself.

Lastly, as hard as it may be, you have to know when to let someone go. Perhaps they will come back to you, and maybe they won't, but nothing can take away what you've shared with them and all the ways that they've changed you, hopefully for the better. 

In the words of a friend of mine, "People who are truly independent can build one another up without sacrificing themselves."

Whether we cocoon together or are simply passing each other in the night on the way to our next great adventure, we should always remember to cherish and care for each other. Leave others better than you found them, and don't let anyone take from you that light that is essentially yours.

Scott Earned the Power of Self Respect!

You know you're ready for a relationship when. . . 

image from Scott Pilgrim Wiki

. . . you've earned the power of self respect!

So here we have another Scott Pilgrim vs. The World themed blog post, but this time I want to focus on the hero, Scott. In the final battle scene, he initially earns the power of love when he claims that he is fighting for Ramona. But then, he levels up, as seen in the picture above, when he tells Gideon that he is fighting for himself. It is at this point that he proves himself truly worthy of Ramona's love.

Well ladies and gentleman, I have finally found the answer for how to tell if you are ready to be in a relationship. 

First and foremost, it takes being able to honestly say to yourself that you believe you are worthy of another person's love. This can only stem from truly respecting yourself.

But you know what I've found? A funny thing happens when you can look at yourself in the mirror and honestly say these two things:

I am worthy of love.

I respect myself.

You no longer necessarily want to be in a relationship.

Isn't it funny how that works?

It's because a lot of people who really, desperately want to be in a relationship are actually not at all ready to be in one. People use a lot of things to fill the voids inside them, drugs, obsessions, relationships, but the only thing that can truly fill that hole is something you have to discover inside yourself, and the only person who can do that is you.

And sure, other people can help you along the way. There's nothing wrong with leaning on friends and family when you feel sad and sometimes we need encouragement from those around us in order to give us that push to really do what it is that we need to do for ourselves, but you can't rely on another person for the answers to your important questions in life.

Though, sometimes, it will be someone else who makes you realize which questions to ask yourself. ;-)

Don't Waste Your Time With People Who Won't Waste Their Time On You

Life is too short

for pining

Life is too bright

for darkness

Love is too plentiful

to settle for neglect

Love is too bountiful

to settle for less

Don't spend your time waiting

Don't spend your breath sighing

Don't spend your love 

doing anything but flying

Don't waste your tears

on someone who makes you cry

You are more worthy than you know

Procrastination: Ain't Nobody Got Time for That.

Today's message of inspiration has been brought to you straight from the mouth of Sweet Brown. Granted, she was talking about Bronchitis, but Procrastination is another thing that "ain't nobody got time for."

I've been incredibly guilty of indulging in Procrastination all my life, but I've realized that I really haven't done myself any favors by allowing myself to be lazy. The thought process that starts with, "I'll do this later," usually leads to doing nothing, both now and later.

And when it comes right down to it, finding excuses to put things off amounts, in the end, to finding excuses to put your life off. Every little thing that you neglect to do hinders you from really living the life that you want. Even obligations that can be irritating serve a purpose. Today you'll find a way to sidestep an unpleasant task or a boring presentation, but tomorrow you may find yourself calling out of work because you just don't want to go in or even dodging engagements with friends in the interest of staying home and doing nothing because you just don't feel like going out tonight.

There is a mental metabolism, and it's called Motivation. With the physical body when you exercise and do your best to stay active, your metabolism stays healthy. Yes, exercising may not be the most pleasant thing for some of us, but you have to keep that balance between what you're taking in and the effort you're putting out, otherwise you become a fat blob sitting on the couch with no desire to even walk anymore because you're now so physically unhealthy that you can't walk without pain.

Motivation works much the same. It's fun to sit back and take in entertaining activities, playing games, watching t.v., even reading if you're doing it all the time for the pleasure and not the mental engagement can become something that you use to avoid more challenging mental activities. Motivation is something that you have to work at everyday, much like metabolism. It's not something that you can just wait to have it come to you.

As a writer, I've been pretty slack in the past, using that old excuse "I have no inspiration today." But as Thomas Edison said, "Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration." There's a way around the lack of inspiration that artists of all kinds often find themselves being hampered by, and it's called faking it till you make it. Just because you don't start off the day with an amazing idea that captures your imagination, that doesn't mean there aren't ways to work towards the discovery of that idea. Writer's brainstorm and have writing exercises that jump start the creative process. Visual artists get into the habit of going out and just sketching things until something catches them.

The world around you is a tremendous source of inspiration for whatever slump you find yourself in. Sometimes going out and just breathing in fresh air will reset your mind enough to go back in and hash out whatever it was you were stuck on.

In summation, don't succumb to Procrastination, work on your Motivation, chase your Inspiration.

I think there might be a Dr. Suess book somewhere in there. X-x

I Don't Wanna Be Your Other Half. . .

. . . I Believe That One and One Make Two.

Yes, another song reference! This time it's Alanis Morisette's song Not the Doctor, and it's a very good song to base a post on because the main point of the song is that you can't fix someone else, nor can you depend on them to fix you. If something is broken in you, then it will be broken even if you start dating someone, and it will be broken even after they leave if that's how it pans out.

And it's just a really bad way to start a relationship to put someone in a position to have to make up for the things you feel are missing in your life. The point of a relationship is to make two people stronger than they were apart by joining together to form a team. You can certainly help each other to achieve goals, find emotional intimacy, and just in general have each other's backs as it were, but it's unreasonable to expect someone to do for you something that you cannot or will not do for yourself.

Bad reasons to start a relationship with someone:

1. I feel like this person completes me.

Nothing good can come out of that line of thinking. It speaks more to obsession than it does a healthy relationship with another person. If you don't feel like a complete person already then that's something you really need to work on approaching yourself before you involve anyone else in the equation of your life. However, it's a good sign if you can instead say "I feel like this person compliments me."

2. I don't feel right without this person near me.

Once again, even though it makes a good line in a sappy love song, if you can't stand on your own two feet and feel good about your own life sans another person then that is a red flag. You have to be able to live not necessarily by yourself but with yourself. We are social creatures as I've mentioned before, and we do need social interaction to be healthy, but for example, someone else's respect for you should never be a replacement for your own respect for yourself. And likewise, someone's else's love for you should not be a bandage you place on your heart where your love for yourself should be. It is, however, okay to admit, "I miss you when you're gone." Missing people in your life when they're gone is a natural part of loving them, but it won't break you as a person to not have them with you.

3. I can't imagine my life without you.

I've found myself saying this before on many occasions, and it is a frightening place to be. There's a fine line between attachment and complete obsession, and I think that when you get to a point where your entire life revolves around someone else in this fashion, it is a rather unhealthy place. I'm not saying that in an established long-term relationship you should keep one foot out of the door and keep in your mind the idea that life could be different without that person because that's a dysfunctional tendency swinging in the other direction, but I think it's good to realize that life is ever changing, and you can't count on things to always stay the same. One day you may lose your partner, and there has to be life after that, just as there was before you met them. I think in this case the healthy view would be, "I love my life with you, and I will do my best to appreciate all the things that being with you brings me."

In conclusion, as Alanis Morisette says, "I don't wanna be the filler if the void is solely yours." If you are looking at someone else and see that perhaps they are clinging to you in search of the meaning they can't provide themselves in their own life, then it's best not to get involved. The same goes for you. Don't give up on your own quest if it still remains unfinished! But there are always grey areas and partial completions I suppose, and in the end, only you can decide if you are ready to be with someone else.

When everything you want is not everything you need. . .

. . . and learning to tell the difference between the two.

This is an idea that was presented to me by the Vertical Horizon song "Everything You Want" in high school, and I accepted it then as truth, but it's something that has taken me a long time to really come to terms with.

Wants are important because life is meant to be lived, not survived, but when wants and needs clash, it is the needs that you have to take care of first.

Strictly speaking, we only have five needs as animals to survive, air, food, water, shelter and clothing. Those are the bare minimum physical needs, but what I'm referencing more here are emotional needs. These are the things that require insight and emotional honesty with yourself. Here's a helpful chart based on Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Basically what you do is start at the bottom and work your way up. The things at the top are still important needs, but they are things that you cannot really focus on until you've met the needs on the bottom first. This is of course just one school of thought in psychology, but it seems pretty solid to me, so it's the one I went with for this post. 

I do have a couple of problems with this hierarchy, however. Sex is one of the basic needs on the bottom of the pyramid, and while I think it's true that you need sexual release to be a healthy person, I don't necessarily think that sex itself should be a basic priority over everything in the safety tier of needs. I also very much question whether sexual intimacy should take priority over anything in the esteem category. I think meeting those needs first is really essential to having healthy sexual relationships with other people because otherwise they could easily become self destructive.

I think, personally, I'm most lacking in the esteem category, however there are a few things in the safety category (resources for example) which I think need to be improved before I could consider myself ready for a relationship with someone else.

At the end of the day, you can't rely completely on a chart or a theory to tell you what it is that you want and need. That's something that can be different from person to person and situation to situation, but it does help to sit down and make lists and really think about what it is that you as an individual are seeking in life. If turmoil and drama run your life right now, maybe it's time to sit down and prioritize what it is that is most important to you, making goals and a plan to achieve them.

To bring this into a more geeky focus, no one likes a loot ninja. If you roll a need, you better really need it, otherwise, just let the loot go for now. There will always be another chance to crawl that instance again and maybe by then you'll be better setup for that loot. ;-)

In Love with a Serial Killer: Romanticizing Dysfunction

As I examine the men that I find attractive in television, I start to see a pattern forming.
For example:

Dexter (serial killer)

Sheldon from Big Bang Theory (possibly autistic science genius)

Rumplestilskin from Once Upon a Time (sociopathic dark wizard)

Hank Moody from Californication (womanizing sex addict)

But I have to wonder, does this list of harrowing heroes say more about me or popular culture?

It used to be that heroes were more solidly defined as good and villains as evil. The protagonists in romance novels were stereotypically noble, chivalrous and handsome, while the antagonists were dark, sinister and ugly.

But it seems like everywhere I look these days, I see main characters popping up in movies, books, and television who share more similarities with villains than heroes or who at the very least blur the line between black and white and fall into the grey areas between good and evil.

And I think that's it's good that we've expanded our view of what constitutes a hero in literature and popular culture because the truth is often more grey than black and white, but it seems this new swing in the other direction has sparked the romanticizing of dysfunction. I've seen in my peers (and myself) an unhealthy preoccupation with people who are damaged and emotionally unhinged.

As I look back in my past, I realize that I have always been more interested in the villains than the heroes because they seemed more interesting and multi layered. Now that the heroes are just as complex I'm jumping on the bandwagon with these well loved main characters. But is there something more sinister and unhealthy at work here than an interest in complex characters? Is my taste in men inherently dysfunctional?

I'm afraid this post has brought up more questions than I can find answers at this point in time, but I'm hopefully at least moving towards answering them.

Ancient Chinese Fortune Cookie Says. . .

"It is not the strong but the responsive that survive."

Well, it wasn't an ancient fortune cookie, but it did taste pretty stale. However the fortune I got out of it was very true and thought provoking. It also reminded me of a song lyric from a tune by Jewel called Innocence Maintained that I love:

"Nature has a funny way of breaking what does not bend."

So it seems that in the old face off between Warrior and Rogue, the rogue is the one who would win the battle according to this proverb. But generally, the Warrior really only needs to land one or two hits to take just about anything out.

Sometimes it feels like life is the Warrior, and I am the Rogue. I dodge disaster one day at a time by thinking on my feet and staying ahead of the giant mace/axe/bastard sword etc., but what happens when life finally does manage to land a blow?

I think it is, as the proverb suggests, not about being able to take hits head on but instead about how you react. Life can send terrible tragedy or good fortune, but one could ruin a life equally as horribly on both if not handled well.

Can Human Relations Ever Be Casual?

So I realize that it's odd to examine the implications of casual sex in a blog about self sufficiency and independence, but humor me for a moment here.

I think it's entirely possible for two people of like mind, emotional maturity and in the same or similar places in life to engage in a casual physical expression of friendship with each other with no intentions of ever taking it into a serious committed relationship and succeeding in said venture.

That having been said, do I think that this kind of thing works out the way people think it will most of the time? No, not at all. And I think it's because people who attempt such casual friends with benefits types of relationships with each other don't often know themselves as well as they should before doing so. Often one person becomes more attached than the other or both people find themselves in a relationship with each other after swearing there would be no attachments. Speaking from experience, this is actually how my last relationship started.

So what is the argument for casual sexual relationships when in the midst of a quest for self sufficiency?

First of all I want to establish what I think self sufficiency and independence really mean and what my goal in all of this actually entails.

I'm not seeking to become some kind of hermit who never leaves the house or a doomsday prepper who prefers to live off the grid. That is not my notion of self sufficiency, though those are two legitimate notions that others may have of it. I acknowledge that we are a species of social animals and that having friendships with people is an essential part of being mentally healthy.

My problem with romantic relationships and being in one right now is the tendency to lose myself so completely in them. My quest for self sufficiency is really about three things ultimately: Knowing myself, Loving myself, and being Content with spending time with myself. As long as I can do those things comfortably, I believe that I will retain my independence.

So here's another important question: Why would I put myself in a position to fall back into old patterns and mistakes? I think the simplest answer to this question is that I've always been the kind of person who likes to test myself. I have an honest desire not to do things the way I've always done them and make old mistakes again, but you can't really be sure if you've actually changed or grown as a person unless you put yourself in a situation and see how you will react to it.

The true test at this point is in gauging my ability to be honest with myself. Is all of this just a rationalization in order to do something I want to do which may actually be less productive and more unhealthy? No, I don't think so. Do I honestly feel like I could live without doing this and be just fine? My answer to that would be yes. Can I live with it either way? Yes, I believe I can. Could I do it without feeling guilty or like I had cheated myself or failed in my quest? Yes. Could I just as easily abandon a promising encounter with someone as pursue it without it making me feel overly disappointed? Yes.

Either way I decide to go with it, my primary focus is still on me and my life goals. It will perhaps be something I choose to do in order to enrich my life and entertain myself, but it is not an essential part of what I need to feel good about me or my life.

So this is my first interactive blog post, and I'm opening up the floor for other opinions. What are your experiences with casual sexual relationships between adults? Would you agree or disagree that it's possible to have one and have it be a healthy encounter that doesn't end in a relationship? Is it more possible for men to engage in such casual relationships than women considering how differently we're wired?

Discuss!

Insert Post Here

Alright, so I'll have to admit that today I've been a little preoccupied.

I have a lot of exciting ideas for posts in the works, and I thought that in lieu of throwing something together tonight while I'm in the midst of writing a short story and honestly more focussed and excited by that, I would rather give you a little preview of things to come:

I have several ideas for posts that will involve interviews with different people. Looking around me I've realized that there is an amazing wealth of resources and potential to expand beyond my own musings and ramblings in the people I come into contact with on a day to day basis, as well as some of the friends I've been keeping in contact with from my former home.

I also think that it would be interesting to start a series of posts that are more interactive and get my readership involved in this fascinating process of self discovery. I'm always excited by the idea of turning a one-way talk into a dialogue among multiple people.

Being an avid fan of music, I've also considered doing some posts that take one song at a time and analyze the lyrics of said song.

Lastly, to circle back around to the beginning of this particular entry, I've been thinking it would be really fun to do some creative writing posts at least once a week as one main purpose of me writing this blog was actually to get me writing everyday.

That is all for today. Stay tuned, we'll be back tomorrow with another riveting episode of Soloing a Healer!

Fear is the Path to the Dark Side

We're probably all familiar with that famous quote from our beloved muppet sage, Yoda:

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."

I recently had my own bout with anger, and I can attest to the fact that it's easy to get sucked into this cycle that starts with fear and ends with nothing but suffering. When we find ourselves angry over something, it also seems simpler at times to place blame on someone else and transfer all that negative emotion onto them. In reality the only thing we're accomplishing when we do this, though, is to create a black spot on our own hearts. 

But as Yoda indicates, anger is not the beginning, it's fear that is the real culprit. When you think about what it is that you are afraid of and attempt to face those fears, it is then that you can truly start to free yourself from suffering.

So what is my greatest fear? I most fear being alone. This fear has led me to suffering throughout my life in many ways, and it is the very reason why I am here, right now, writing this blog. Self sufficiency and independence are both life goals that stem from my desire to overcome the fear of being alone.

There's another thing that Yoda says which I have always believed myself:

"Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do no. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed, that is."

I think it's best to understand that even when you are not alone, may you have family, a romantic relationship or even a pet, in the end death will separate us all. When you hold too tightly to those you care about, not only do you run the risk of driving them away by suffocating them, but you are also setting yourself up for unnecessary suffering. People are social animals, and we do need the company of others in order to be mentally healthy, but becoming attached to each other to the point where we feel possessive of one another is not healthy.

What is it that you most fear? Being alone? Being with someone? Failure? Success? Death? Life? Every fear comes with a price.

I will leave you with this Yodaism which is best left up to individual interpretation and reflection: 

"Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter."

The Scorpion and the Turtle

A scorpion, being a very poor swimmer, asked a turtle to carry him on his back across a river.

"Are you mad?" exclaimed the turtle, "You'll sting me while I'm swimming, and I'll drown."

"My dear turtle, " laughed the scorpion, "if I were to sting you, you would drown and I would go down with you. Now where is the logic in that?"

"You're right!" cried the turtle. "Hop on!"

The Scorpion climbed aboard and halfway across the river gave the turtle a mighty sting. As they both sank to the bottom, the turtle resignedly said:

"Do you mind if I ask you something? You said there'd be no logic in you stinging me. Why did you do it?"

"It has nothing to do with logic," the drowning scorpion sadly replied. "It's just my character."

This is an old fable that I did not originally pen, of course, but it is a good example of three things.

1. People do not change their core natures.

2. If you know someone's nature, you should trust them to act on that nature. 

3. If you trust someone when they say they will act differently from their nature then you do so at your own peril and should not be surprised when they do not follow through.

The main lesson in all of this as relates to my own journey is that I am trusting to a fault. Time and time again I've given the scorpion the benefit of the doubt when I knew that it would sting me, but I always hope to be able to bring out the best in people. My theory is that I'd rather ere on the side of being wrong about someone who is trying to trick me or who is going to harm me regardless of whether they mean to or not than to falsely judge someone who is honestly trying to change and only needed someone to give them that opportunity in order to grow and become someone better.

But where has that really gotten me? Stung. . . . a lot.

So at the end of the day what was a nice theory about giving people trust because they might change is now the resolution to myself that I will only from this moment forward trust people who truly deserve it. When someone proves themselves to you over and over again to be untrustworthy, you don't trust them. It seems so simple, but to someone like me, it feels odd.

At a certain point, though, like the one where I am in my life right now, you have to learn to protect yourself first and worry about others later. 

Because you can't ferry anyone across the river when you're laying belly up at the bottom.

Balance, Choices, and How Little Dragons Turn into Big Monsters

It's the ancient struggle between good and evil, light and dark, fire and water. Some are pure forces of nature and some are more constructs of morality in our minds, but at the end of the day, attempting to maintain the balance between these forces is the conflict of many stories, games, movies, etc.

On a more mundane everyday level, it's the constant push and pull between the choices that we make. Do I stay up to finish this level, or do I get some sleep because I know I need the rest? Do I eat that one last bite that I know is going to push me from feeling nice and full to feeling awful because the food tastes too good? Do I go out with my friends or do I stay home and spend time with family? Or devote some time to myself?

The choices that we make everyday shape who we are and how we live. Seeking a balanced approach to everything is the most healthy way to move forward and be the best version of yourself, but sometimes the right choice for you is not always the easy choice. There is often a battle between what you want and what you need as well because these things do not always align.

So which way do you go? How do you know what choice is the right choice for you? I think what it all comes down to is knowing yourself. Balance is something I've always wrestled with because I've realized that I don't know myself as well as I should. The choices I've made in the past have led me to where I am now, and they've shaped the person that I am, but am I really happy with that person?

It's also easy to get lost in the big questions in life just like that one. But I think the way to overcome the big problems is to start with the little solutions. After all, big problems don't suddenly become big, they start with little choices. When you can trace a problem back to the roots, you can start to reverse it the way you made it.

So when you're facing the level 999 Red Dragon of Doom, you have to realize that he wasn't always a level 999 epic monster. He started out as a little level 1 baby dragon who was breathing smoke rather than fire. It would take a really long time to fight him if you're only dealing 1 hit point at a time, but when you've built yourself up with experience, you can hit harder. It's also smart to realize that you can't throw fire spells at this guy. It's going to take water damage to bring him down because that is the balance of nature. Everything is weak against something and everything is made strong by something else.

Be smart, and get acquainted with what makes you weak and what makes you strong. Balance everything out, know the pros and cons of every situation, and make informed choices. You are shaping yourself and your own future everyday.

When You Hang Out With Slimes. . .

. . . you will eventually become a slime yourself.

Or, surrounding yourself with people you respect and admire.

This is really a twofold topic, but it all comes down to the same idea which is that you become what you are surrounded by.

As an adult I have the absolute power to control who I spend my time with, who I trust, and who I devote my time to, so there is no reason why I should be letting toxic, negative leachers and emotional vampires into my life anymore.

Having just moved to a completely new city has some very distinct advantages. One of these is that it's a perfect setup for me to cultivate a new friend group full of people who inspire me to be the best version of myself. I have always said that your romantic partner should be this kind of person, but it's not a trait limited to that special person in your life, it should be something that everyone you choose to spend time with does.

So now it's a matter of trusting myself. I'm a perceptive person, and if I know anything, it's other people. I've seen enough of them to know the red flags that fly in my face when I meet someone who is toxic, but I tend to give people way too much benefit of the doubt and let friendships with these types of people get so far that I am entrenched and invested in them, and they become difficult to break off. That is something I can no longer afford to do.

So the next time I'm wandering around the forest and find myself face to face with a slime, no matter how cute that smiling little face may be, I must slay it and move on. Because hugging a slime will only get you slimy.

Saturday Mornings and Sunday Afternoons

As an avid fan of anime, cartoons in general, and movies, I have always been fascinated by the question of how the things we watched as kids shaped us into our adult selves and what the things we watch as adults have to say about us as people. So this is going to be my weekly foray into movies and shows, animated or just leaning geeky.

For this weekend I'm going to talk about a popular movie trope in respect, specifically, to the illustrious Ramona Flowers of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Ramona's character is what as known as the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. To quote the ever present Wikipedia:

"The Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG) is a stock character in films. Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the term after seeing Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown (2005), describes the MPDG as 'that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imagination of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men to embrace life and its infinite mysteries and adventures.' MPDGs are said to help their men without pursuing their own happiness, and such character never grow up, this their men never grow up."

Now of course Ramona isn't exactly bubbly, she's more a sub genre of the MPDG. She's the mysterious, inaccessibly cool counter culture chick, the one with wild hair colors (which she seems to change ever other week), possibly piercings and tattoos, and her own unique style of dress with interesting color choices and articles that seem to have been thrown together from the bottom of her closet at the last possible second before she raced out of the door. She's the girl who has a constantly bored look on her face, seems to be above the fray, and looks as if she could genuinely care less what anyone thought of her. Something about her draws every nerd, geek, and outcast shy boy type within a 50 mile radius like the call of a siren.

So what about this character speaks to me? Why do I identify with her in so many ways?

Well the answer is in the focus of the movie itself. It is, after all, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. Scott is our hero and main character, and in finding and falling for Ramona, it's his adventure, fighting her evil ex's that brings us to the final battle where Scott earns the power of true love and, subsequently, earns the power of self respect. Ramona, sadly, remains merely a muse for Scott's self actualization.

Until now I've been the steady backup to the man in my life. I've been fiercely loyal, constantly supportive, always seeing the potential in my partners and encouraging their growth, inspiring their love and obsession, but what happens time and time again is that I, like Ramona, fade into the background and become an accessory rather than a active participant in my own adventure. Ramona, unlike Scott, never earns the power of self respect, she merely becomes the sidekick of yet another future evil ex. Though I'd like to give Scott more credit than that and hope that he at least ends up being the guy to break that chain, but that is exactly the point. The chain of evil ex's is not something that happened to Ramona and now follows her around, it's something that she cultivated through her own flaky, flighty attention span and indecision.

So while Ramona is interesting, alluring, and mysterious, the real mystery is her inner life and motivations because as so many MPDG's, she seems not to actually have any. The leg up that I have on  Ramona is that I do have a rather interesting and complicated inner life, but I've been ignoring it and putting my own motivations on the back burner in order to help other people find themselves.

But how well could I really have been helping anyone being so lost myself?

It's time to break out of the trope. Time to drop the Manic Pixie and simply become a Dream Girl, not for someone else, but for me.

Doubling Your Value Everyday

So this post is partially borrowed from a friend of mine who gave his permission for his words of wisdom to be used by me (mostly because the point is that it's good advice and insight to get out into the world, not to horde for oneself), and those words are as follows:

"The Value of yourself today should be double your value yesterday and half of your value tomorrow. You should do your very best today, in order to make a foot hold on tomorrow. Tomorrow you work twice as hard and the cycle continues. Never settle for 'Just good enough' with ANYTHING. Instead focus on tomorrow's reward starting today."

It's a lofty goal for sure, and I think that my main hurdle in trying to look at my life this way in the past has been to get caught in this trap of lazy procrastination and despair over failure. It's basically the opposite view of the old slacker adage, "Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow?" But I think the point, at least at first, is not that you have to be perfect in carrying this out but that you should always try as hard as you can. Even if you don't succeed one day, you pick up the next and do everything you can to achieve it.

Confession time: I was kind of slack yesterday. My ADD and affinity for naps got the better of me, and I did not end up accomplishing very much. But today I approach it with this attitude; I will accomplish everything I had set out to do yesterday and then some because I am completely capable of this.

In rpg terms, everyone wants to level up in life. But what does it take? It takes action, and yes, oftentimes, it also takes adventure. It involves fighting your fears head on and taking those little nuggets of knowledge you gain from them to make yourself a more valuable hero. It's just like knocking out those pesky enemies and capturing the coins that fly out. Life is series of opportunities to gain XP.

Don't just sit on the map, tapping your foot and looking at your watch. Grab those rings!

Becoming Your Own Quest Giver

I recently moved to a new city in order to make a fresh start, collect myself, and figure out exactly what it is that I want to do with my life from here. 

In the process of exploring the unknown areas of the map, uncovering one little dark spot at a time, I realized yesterday that a very important part of being self sufficient and independent is becoming more self directed. I have this tendency to kind of just float in life, to latch onto people and take my cues from those around me regarding what direction I should go with hobbies, writing, jobs etc. I've realized that I need to stop relying on other people to give me that direction and find my own path. 

I've blamed this on my natural role as a healer in the past, pointing to the fact that I'm too busy helping other people find their paths to really start trying to find my own, but all of that is just an excuse. As a friend of mine also realized in doing the same thing, you must be right with yourself and find your own path before you can lead others out of their own confusion and darkness.

In other words, you can't lead the level 1 peasant out of the mines full of angry, homicidal kobolds unless you yourself have leveled up enough to defeat them. And now that I think about it, taking candles from angry, homicidal kobolds was probably a horrible idea to start with. Who asked me to do that again?

It's time to be my own quest giver.

Lvl 1

I'm nearing 29 years old, I've just come out of a serious long term relationship that is merely one in a series of long term relationships since I was 16, and I am realizing that in terms of being right with myself and being self sufficient, I am a total NEWB. So this blog is my attempt at documenting my quest for self discovery. That having been said, certain things being part of "self discovery" *ahem* I will probably also take a look into and perhaps even review geeky sex toys (as well as the more pedestrian offerings on the market) and things of that nature. Along the way I expect that I'll end up discussing the ins and outs of dating in geek, nerd, and gamer culture, as I'm sure that my stint as a single geek girl will eventually become my quest for the perfect dungeon crawling partner in crime. (Or at least perfect for me. ;-) 

But for now, it's back to good old grinding all by myself. . . . in more ways than one. *winks*