This is an idea that was presented to me by the Vertical Horizon song "Everything You Want" in high school, and I accepted it then as truth, but it's something that has taken me a long time to really come to terms with.
Wants are important because life is meant to be lived, not survived, but when wants and needs clash, it is the needs that you have to take care of first.
Strictly speaking, we only have five needs as animals to survive, air, food, water, shelter and clothing. Those are the bare minimum physical needs, but what I'm referencing more here are emotional needs. These are the things that require insight and emotional honesty with yourself. Here's a helpful chart based on Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
Basically what you do is start at the bottom and work your way up. The things at the top are still important needs, but they are things that you cannot really focus on until you've met the needs on the bottom first. This is of course just one school of thought in psychology, but it seems pretty solid to me, so it's the one I went with for this post.
I do have a couple of problems with this hierarchy, however. Sex is one of the basic needs on the bottom of the pyramid, and while I think it's true that you need sexual release to be a healthy person, I don't necessarily think that sex itself should be a basic priority over everything in the safety tier of needs. I also very much question whether sexual intimacy should take priority over anything in the esteem category. I think meeting those needs first is really essential to having healthy sexual relationships with other people because otherwise they could easily become self destructive.
I think, personally, I'm most lacking in the esteem category, however there are a few things in the safety category (resources for example) which I think need to be improved before I could consider myself ready for a relationship with someone else.
At the end of the day, you can't rely completely on a chart or a theory to tell you what it is that you want and need. That's something that can be different from person to person and situation to situation, but it does help to sit down and make lists and really think about what it is that you as an individual are seeking in life. If turmoil and drama run your life right now, maybe it's time to sit down and prioritize what it is that is most important to you, making goals and a plan to achieve them.
To bring this into a more geeky focus, no one likes a loot ninja. If you roll a need, you better really need it, otherwise, just let the loot go for now. There will always be another chance to crawl that instance again and maybe by then you'll be better setup for that loot. ;-)
Ha, I love that song! It was the first one by Vertical Horizon I ever heard, and it pulled me in as a fan before I had listened to any of their other tunes.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking only for myself, if you're having lots of great sex, who needs all that self-esteem bullshit? LOL
"At the end of the day, you can't rely completely on a chart or a theory to tell you what it is that you want and need."
True, that! And while I think that studying something like this and making lists can help a lot with prioritizing what your ideal is, I also don't believe it truly matters one whit once you and your life partner actually meet. You might be in a good place financially, you might have your personal life in order, you might even be in exactly the right place in your life for a committed relationship, but odds are you won't be. Speaking from my own personal experience, the person I married wouldn't even have qualified for a first date had I followed my own rule book assiduously. So yes, be self-aware, know what you want, and never compromise your core beliefs for someone else, but also, don't discount people simply because "it's not the right time," or "oh, they're just an F-Buddy." *grin*
Dan
Hmmm you know, you're absolutely right, especially about not discounting people because it's not the right time. I mean, on the one hand, I think timing is important in some cases. If someone tells you they just aren't ready to be in a relationship, it doesn't matter how wonderful they seem or how much chemistry you have, there's no point in pushing it. But I think that striving for some ideal and forsaking a relationship because you haven't quite reached that ideal is probably pretty silly.
DeleteLet me ask you this. How do you know if you're ready to be in a relationship? I feel like I can't really trust myself to know because I've always felt ready to move on as soon as possible, but I'm trying to break that pattern, so I don't really have another gauge to fall back on. I suppose that's why this chart seemed helpful to me. I realize I'm intellectualizing something that is emotional and probably best decided from the heart, but what I've been doing hasn't been working, so I'm at a loss here.
Even at the most basic level of genetics and neurochemistry, even before the differences in nurture, people are quite simply born with different strengths and weaknesses, and thus their hierarchy of needs varies greatly from one to the next. I think theoretically you could list out how everything stacks up in a way that genuinely reflects you, but you're more likely to get it just a little off, and the challenge is being able to recognize the difference when the right person stands before you.
ReplyDeletePersonally I've gotten on stage and done Karaoke of that song reciting it from memory, and I'm positive it was the first song I ever heard by them, although "Lucky One" is another one I particularly liked.
"How do you know if you're ready to be in a relationship?"
ReplyDeleteHa, you're asking the "MuchTooArrogant" guy that question? For me, the focus was always on the other person. Thus, my primary question was a little different, "Am I ready to be in a relationship with 'this' person?" Which, of course, neatly redirected the onus to someone else.
Honestly though, unless you're experiencing some sort of recent and extreme life event--divorced last week, released from prison yesterday--I think that's where a lot of your focus should be. See, I tend to be very analytical about these things, as when I've let my heart totally take over, I've almost always regretted it.
A few of the relationship questions I'd try and answer honestly are below. For the ones focused on X, I recommend flipping them around after you've answered so that you're the target. That way, you can see how both of you match up.
• Does X treat me well?
• Does X's behavior towards me change depending on whether other people are around?
• Does X respect my opinions, even when we're not in agreement?
• When I'm with X, do my personal horizons feel contracted or expanded?
• For the most part, are the gives and takes of our relationship in balance, and if not, how skewed are they?
• What are X's top five priorities, and is our relationship one of them?
• List X's and my life goals. Are they compatible?
• Is X someone with whom I can share any/everything?
So, there are eight questions for your future top ten list of, "Should I be with this person?" Yes, I'm ceding you the last two, use them wisely!
Does that help at all?
Dan