Gender Fluid Visibility

Visibility is a word that is generally more often tossed around in reference to bisexual people. When a bisexual person is in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, they can pass as heterosexual, but the problem with bi folks passing as hetero is that others perceive there are less bi people out there than there actually are, or none at all. It gives people reason to doubt that bisexuality is real, or think that perhaps it's “just a phase”. But if, for example, Jane dates girls in college and is married to a man later on, she can still be a bisexual woman married to a man. The same thing happens with gender fluidity. In my case, I was born with a female body, and I generally wear either feminine clothing or something more unisex, like jeans and t-shirts. People assume that I am female because most of the time it would be an easy assumption to make. At other times, I wear more obviously masculine clothing like button up shirts with bow ties, suspenders, etc. Still, the assumption is most likely that I'm a tomboy or a lesbian. As with bisexual folks, the only way anyone really knows how I identify is when I actually speak up about it.

So maybe you're asking, what's the problem? Do people really need to know how I identify or what gender fluidity is? How does that really affect anyone else? It's an interesting question and a complicated one to answer. Gender is, whether we like it or not, a very important and pervasive part of our lives everyday. Those who don't have to think about it are generally those who were born into the gender that they identify as. When you are what is considered normative, there is nothing to trip over, nothing to muddle through, and no reason for others to be tripped up by you. But when you are non-binary, even if you aren't dressed in a way that would provoke others to question you, there are constant reminders that most everyone else around you fits, for the most part, into these boxes of either male or female.

For example, I have to choose every time I go into an establishment with a restroom which one I will use. Generally I use the women's restroom because it's just easier to deal with and safer, but I'm reminded every time that there is a separation of genders in this area of life, and that concept of separation is foreign to my understanding of myself. Every time I see a unisex bathroom, I breathe a sigh of relief. There is no artificial choice to be made between facilities that are basically the same and are certainly there for the same purpose. When I shop for clothes, I have to decide if I'm up for facing the strange looks I'll receive when trying on clothes from the boys section. And never mind purchasing selections from both! Most of the time, though, it isn't so much about strange looks or questions people might have for me, as I'm happy answering them when people are pleasant, but it's just that division between the sections, and the awareness, always, that I can't walk into a clothing store with a gender fluid section. That which makes me special and rare also isolates me.

If you know exactly what I'm talking about and can relate to it more than you'd like, here's my suggestion. Talk to people about who you are. Become visible. I'll probably have to explain who I am and how that works to people for the rest of my life, but I'm fine with that if it helps people understand how much wonderful diversity there really is in the world. If it helps people coming after me to be more accepted, more understood, and more treasured for exactly who they are and not what people may assume, then I am willing to put myself out there.