The Codependent's Golden Rule

You've probably heard of the golden rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, or for a less biblical translation, treat others as you would like to be treated. During the course of my personal journaling of my struggles and triumphs with codependency, I've come to find a slightly tweaked version of a rule to live by, the codependent's golden rule.

Treat yourself as you feel others should be treated.

It certainly wouldn't work for everyone, but I've realized, like many who struggle with codependence, that I don't treat myself very well. In fact, I treat others far better than I treat myself. I treat others, for the most part, with respect, consideration, and kindness. I offer encouragements and condolences when they are needed. I give allowances for bad behavior under extenuating circumstances, and I attempt to help people become the best versions of themselves.

But how do I generally treat myself?

I tear down my own ego from the inside, and I don't let myself enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. I constantly worry I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough. I punish myself, preemptively, for things I haven't actually done wrong.

My head is, basically, like Minority Report. I am the precog who is deciding my own actions before they happen and punishing myself before I've gotten a chance to actually make a mistake or fail, which, over the years, has ultimately led to me being afraid to try, or even think about trying things that are challenging.

Which leads to the times when I don't treat others very well. Friends and lovers have born the brunt of my insecurities and fears. I've torn myself down so much that I feel paranoid that others are thinking the same things about me, but possibly worse.

I anticipate that others are judging me and finding me wanting, so I tell myself I don't care what other people think, all the while obsessing over what other people think. I distance myself from my friends and family, or worse lash out at them and place my own insecurities about myself onto them.

In some deep part of my brain, I don't actually believe that I deserve to be celebrated for my achievements, or even to be happy.

I smile and pretend to be better put together than I am, presenting the self that I wish I was to the world, all the while, inside, I am a disturbed and deeply unhappy person.

But, today, I acknowledge that while I cannot control what other people think, do, or say, I can have control over myself. More importantly, I can let myself be happy.

A wise person once said to me, “The pain stops when you want it to.”

Well, I'm finally ready.