This is the blog formerly
known as “Soloing a Healer,” which will henceforth be known as "A Rainbow Sheep."
In this new blog, I'll be exploring and becoming more vocal and
open about my gender identity, which is gender fluid. Those of us who
are non binary, or not identifying as strictly male or female,
technically fall under the transgender umbrella, and we tend to be
quite baffling to those who identify with the binary understanding of
gender. It can often be an
hours long intellectual exercise to even begin describing how we see
ourselves, how we function emotionally, and how we relate to the rest
of the world. It's my hope to offer support and a familiar voice to
those who are on my journey or similar ones to understand themselves
and attempt to explain it to others. We are gender fluid, gender
queer, and even agendered, those who don't identify with any part of
gender, but instead something more abstract. There are many other
words to describe it, but from now on, if I am referring to all of us as a
group, I will just say non binary folks.
The second reason I decided to start writing
this blog again is my realization that I am codependent. It can be crippling and affects every
decision in my life, including what I do with my own body and how I
express myself because I so thoroughly take into account what other people think or what I perceive that they think. I'm still coming to understand it all, and the process of overcoming very ingrained behaviors and fears, I've realized, has become much more manageable when I journal about it. In case you're not at all familiar with it, a list of common
symptoms among codependents includes, low self esteem, people
pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, control,
dysfunctional communication, obsessions, dependency, denial, problems
with intimacy, and painful emotions. You can be in a codependent
relationship that is a one time thing, or you can be a codependent in
other areas of your life full-time. I've experienced both. Not all of
my relationships have been codependent ones, but I believe I have
been codependent for nearly my entire life.
So how have things changed
since I initially started this blog? Well, when I first began to
write here, it was in large part for the same reason I am writing
here once again, to express myself and explore my inner thoughts,
feelings and discoveries of who I am and what I want from life. The
main difference now is that I'm not in denial about how much my self
image, self esteem and self worth are tied to what other people
think, or what I perceive that others think. The idea of Soloing a
Healer was to document finally becoming an independent person, but I
was far from ready to accomplish that goal at that point in my life. This time
I want to acknowledge exactly who I am right now, today, flaws and
all, and document my work towards the person I wish to become, rather
than forcing a label or an ideal on myself that hasn't come into
fruition just yet.
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